Loveless: A Composotion on Pain
by heechul
Summary: You know what they say about the heart, don't you? Love is good and all, but heartache makes the best music. ET.
1. one

Disclaimer: CLAMP.

_revised 51907._

**Loveless: A Composition on Pain**

(_shine brighter for me, please, so that i can still see you when you leave._)

A cheerful banner stretched across Tomoeda Elementary School's entrance. _Welcome Back! _It read cheerfully, and the doors were opened invitingly. A sigh broke through many, as they walked through familiar doors, padded through familiar halls and memories came rushing back. They weren't children anymore, these people, all adults, or at least in a figurative sense. They varied in ages of 17, the youngest students, to people in their 50s, teachers, who had been offered better jobs, but never forgot where they came from.

The children they once were, seemed to be a lost memory, and exclamations of, "Hey! I drew this here in fifth grade!" to declarations of, "Do you remember, Saki? This was our favorite lunch spot!" were all tinged wistfully, and eagerly, these adults became children again. A few were missing from their ranks, evidently, Tomoyo for one, was 21 now, and seemingly even more busy then she once was. She had promised Sakura and Syaoran, still her best friends, though, that she would try to make it, and as Sakura and Syaoran wandered the halls, they wondered vaguely where their friend was. But they weren't children anymore either, and the clasped hands, flushed cheeks and glittering ring on her finger confirmed it.

Most stayed to the lower floors, and the outside, as that was where many of their classes had been, the upper floors reserved for the music rooms and the library. So most didn't hear the strands of melancholy music coming from a certain music room. At exactly a quarter to 2, one certain Daidouji Tomoyo found her way to Tomoeda Elementary School, and after hesitating at the front steps, stepped softly up, and pushed her way through.

Oh, she _knew_ these faces, didn't she? There was Rika, and there was Chiharu and Yamazaki, and oh! There were Sakura and Syaoran and just as she were about to wave to them and call out a greeting, they turned around and Syaoran whispered something in her ear, pointing to a cherry tree, and Sakura first blushed, then giggled, the wind blowing her auburn hair back. Tomoyo closed her mouth, and a sad, wistful look descended on her face, and only the barest smiles played at the corners of her mouth.

She excused her way through the crowd, but it was at the stairwell that she felt the anxieties, the ugly emotions fade away. She touched the familiar banister, and smiled as she traced the intricate pattern along the end. She alighted gracefully, and the floors were like nothing, until she reached the top and she breathed in the familiar, slightly musky smell. This was where she felt most comfortable, surrounded by music. And speaking of…

She frowned, as she neared her music room. (Yes, she thought of it as hers, she _did _spend an impossible amount of time there when she attended this school.) A melancholy, heart wrenchingly sad, but breathtakingly melody played, and Tomoyo could feel her heartache in this song. Her hand rested on the doorknob, and all she wanted to do was sit down, slide against the door, close her eyes and let the music drift her someplace else. But her grip on the doorknob tightens, and unwilling, it twists open and the door opens with the creak of being unused, and the music stops abruptly.

_No_, she wants to cry out, _please don't stop_. But it does and it's all her fault and she needs to step in now and for some reason, this scares her more than anything else. She doesn't want to see the face of the nameless composer because whoever it is will disappoint her, she's sure. She keeps her eyes to the ground and shuts them tightly, because maybe if she can't see whoever it is, they won't be able to see her either. But she hears the piano bench being pushed back gently, the lid being closed gently, and she can already tell that whoever it is loves the piano, loves music.

She stands there, the door not fully open, not fully closed, hand still on doorknob and eyes still tightly closed. She feels the door being pulled open, (gently of course) and she feels a warm hand on her wrist. Long, pianist's fingers resting on her pulse, there is nothing that can get any more real. She still doesn't open her eyes, for fear of breaking a daydream that does not belong to her. Another hand tilts her chin up, eyes still closed, and she feels his (she can tell he's male _now_, gentleness aside) breath on her face.

"Tomoyo-san?" The astonishment is prominent in his voice, and oh, she _knows_ this voice, and it's okay to open her eyes, because she's sure she won't be disappointed.

Her eyes fly open and a half smile breaks out on her face. "Hiiragizawa-kun!" And in an awkward dance only two people who have known each other forever can perform, they manage to perform an awkward hug-kiss, with her leaning in to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek and him leaning in to hug her slim body to his. The result is her lips pressed somewhere underneath his ear, her hands and arms trapped somewhere at her sides. She can smell his familiar Hiiragizawa-kun smell, comforting, though spicy. He can smell her familiar Tomoyo-san smell, flowery, but cold.

He lets go, just as she pulls back, and they stare at each other for a few minutes, and it's Eriol who breaks the (not really) awkward silence, and asks her, "Why were you standing outside?"

Tomoyo grits her teeth in an embarrassed smile and replies, "Well, I didn't expect anyone to be up here, and you know, I wanted to come here…you know, I was feeling horribly sentimental…you know."

And he _did_ know, because he saw what others could not. There was desperation in her eyes, something that begged him to understand and push any further, because she didn't know herself right now. He smiled softly, "Did you see Kaho and her new husband downstairs?" He tried to keep his tone light, but she saw the hurt and he saw her eyes light up because, oh she knows because she _understands_.

She opens her mouth, and then closes it, changing her mind, something she has been doing a lot lately. "What song was that?" She gestures vaguely into the room, toward the piano that is still beautiful, the keys still gleaming ivory, stuck somewhere in the past where it was beloved and was cleaned meticulously, to give it the water (smooth) sound it has.

He closes his eyes, and when he opens they're more guarded, shielding a hurt she's never seen before. "I'll play it for you," he says quietly, and because she is curious, she complies. She perches on the window seat, throwing a Tomoyo-shaped shadow over the grand piano. He takes a seat quietly and opens the piano lid.

His fingers brush over the piano keys and he begins to play.

-/-

(_He begins to play and she begins to listen and they both learn something and they both lose something._)


	2. deux

Disclaimer:CLAMP.

_revised 51907. _(The old copy was cut off, I apologize.)

**Loveless: A Composition on Pain**

(_hold your breath longer; if i can still hear you breathing, you're too close._)

She draws her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on the soft denim material to protect the chill that seems to be invading her heart. The music is beautiful, hauntingly so, and it sounds familiar, so familiar, but she just can't place it exactly. Eriol's eyes are closed, and this is the true testament of his skill, for his long fingers fly over the keys like clockwork, never missing a beat. His fingers rise and fall and rise again, but never once does he touch the keys anything but gently. Tomoyo closes her eyes to shake the picture of those long white fingers against ivory keys, but she can't. Every note he plays is another hole in the wall around her heart.

And just as he plays a piece so melancholy, so beautiful, she takes in a small breath, which is all she allows herself, and draws her knees in closer. And as suddenly as it has taken her, the music stops, and she breaks out of her shell, and uncurls herself, feeling all her joints crack. Once again, he closes the piano lid gently, and pushes the chair back gently, everything done so damn _gently_ when all Tomoyo wanted to do was shake him until his teeth rattled and ask him,

Why did you stop the music? Why?

But he turns to her before she can get any words out, and there is a sad look in his eyes but then he closes them and she can't see it anymore. He rubs his temples gently, and smiles a half smile.

"Did you like it?" He wants to know, and she doesn't know, but he wants her approval _so_ bad, just because it's Tomoyo, and at one point or another, _everyone's _wanted Tomoyo's approval.

"Yes. Why did you stop? What's it called? Did you write it?" And Tomoyo can finally get the words out, but she finds herself babbling, and staring at him with this deathly curious look in her eyes. She wants to know, so she can go get the song, hell, so she can go buy the composer and just make him play it for her all day.

"Why I stopped? Because it's not finished. Yes, I wrote it. It's called _Loveless_. I suppose…it's like a composition on pain."

And as soon as those words were uttered, Tomoyo knew why she seemed to know the song so well.

It was a song of heartache, of _her_ heartache.

-/-

Tomoyo had always known Eriol was amazing at the piano, after all, their many duets, and many lazy afternoons just listening to his fingers move over the works of Chopin, Brahms, Beethoven and Bach had already proved so. He also had lifetimes of experience, and well, Clow _was_ a genius. But Tomoyo had always put Eriol on a professional level. He had never crossed over to prodigy in her mind, but after this, there is no doubt at all.

She sighs, resigned, and leans back against her window seat, her back pressed against the cold window. "Tell me about the song."

Eriol looks at her, confused about what she's asking. "Tell you…? What do you want to know?"

She looks at him, eye to eye, and moves over so he can sit next to her.

"Everything."

-/-

So he does tell her everything, the fairytale of the young boy who fell in love with a red-haired fairy and followed her to her home in the sky, enchanted by the music of her bell. He tells her about the young boy, who was foolish to believe that you could love without feeling it, about the young boy whose heart was broken by the beautiful fairy, because her heart was broken by him.

Because they had both held the other's heart in their hands and they didn't know, but while you hold another's heart, you are breaking it.

So he tells Tomoyo, about how it had been broken gently, piece by piece, until one day he came home and she was gone, and all that was left was a letter and a gentle, broken umbrella, left in the corner of her room. So he tells Tomoyo, about how he fell into a depression, and all he could do was sit at the piano and play, gentle heartbreak ballads, melancholy songs, but nothing fit, until he found the right keys to press and that's where all the pain went.

The fairy lived happily ever after.

-/-

Tomoyo touched Eriol's hand gently, a hesitant comfort. She wants him to know she understands. But Eriol only looks at her with a smile on his face and a curtain in his eyes. "Why _aren't_ you down there?" He wants to know, gesturing to the yard outside. Coincidentally, Sakura and Syaoran stroll out, holding hands.

She smiles, a little sadly, maybe. "I…don't want to see them. Not now. It's too soon. Did you know they're getting married in July? She wants me to be her maid of honor." It was an honor, really, to be asked, especially since Sakura had also consented to allowing her to design her wedding dress.

Eriol blinked at her owlishly. "Tomoyo-san. I'm going to be the best man. Didn't you know?"

Tomoyo looked back. "You're kidding me. _You're_ going to be the best man?"

"No, of course I'm not kidding you. Yeah, I guess my darling descendant loves me after all." And then, Eriol had burst out in laughter and after a second, Tomoyo joined him, and they were laughing hysterically, a little desperately maybe, holding their stomachs as they split their sides in pain, falling over one another, laughing first at their exchange, then laughing simply because they were laughing so hard.

Their laughs weren't polite anymore, loud, gasping wheezes in between laughs, and tears were starting to pool at the corners of Tomoyo's eyes, and she wiped them away and she thought that she hadn't laughed like this in so long. That she hadn't laughed like she was actually _happy_ for the longest time.

It almost made her want to cry.

-/-

Soon, after all their breath had ran out, Eriol and Tomoyo leaned against opposite walls, sitting in amicable silence. Her eyes were sparkling with a mirth he hasn't seen since their childhood days, and her hair was terrible messy and the ribbon wound into her braid had started to unwind. She thought his mask had maybe slipped for that fraction of a second, that he wasn't _quite_ so cold anymore, what with his glasses askew and his eyes still wet with tears of laughter.

"Tomoyo-san." Eriol's voice breaks the silence, and Tomoyo, who was on the verge of dozing off, looks up.

"Hmm, Hiiragizawa-kun?" Tomoyo looked up, cross-eyed, as she blew at the strand of her hair falling just in front of her eyes. The falling shadows of late afternoon threw the criss-crossed pattern of the window across her, dividing her into squares with blurry lines. Eriol thinks that if he squints, he can almost see that honestly, the squares are empty.

"How long has it been since I've last seen you?"

Tomoyo freezes for a split second (a split second, you must understand, is completely different from a _whole_ second), and she counts it in her head, although the answer has already made it to her lips.

"Three years and five months."

Eriol laughs a light, amused laugh. "Why, Tomoyo-san, if I didn't know any better, I would say you've been keeping count." He means this to be lighthearted, playful banter.

They always _mean_ well.

"…No," She replies coldly, detached. "I suppose then, you _don't_ know any better." The iciness is so prominent in her voice and too chilling to be meant jokingly that Eriol looks up, surprised. But it's too late, she's staring out the window, resolutely _not_ looking at him, a slightly pained, but mostly closed, expression on her face.

He realizes this has hurt her, because (maybe…fine, yes) she has.

He drops a heavy hand over his face and laughs once, so awkwardly Tomoyo almost winces for him but that would mean breaking the impeccable mask and she can't do _that_, not even for Hiiragizawa-kun. Not even for Sakura-chan.

(Are you sure?)

His next words were quiet. "Tomoyo-san, is there a way that I can say things without hurting you? Because sometimes, Tomoyo-san, it seems that either way, no matter how I put it, I never get to win. Tomoyo-san, is there a way for me to say words in a way so it won't offend you?"

-/-

Tomoyo hates crying.

"…so I was just talking to him and all of a sudden he gets on his knees, and pulls out the ring! And he asked me! Look, isn't it _beautiful_? He says it's been in his family for ages." Tomoyo looked in her best friend's flushed, _happy_ face. "Tomoyo-chan. He asked me to _marry_ him. To _marry _him, Tomoyo-chan. I'm so happy! And of course, I want you to be my maid of honor, Tomoyo-chan, because I love you best." Sakura had beamed at her then but Tomoyo wanted to say silently, _no I'm not the one you love best because you're getting married to Li-kun, aren't you?_ "I mean…you _will_, right?" Then her eyebrows descended, and looked at Tomoyo, eyes wide and worried.

Tomoyo opened her eyes, and was surprised to find tears trickling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Tomoyo-chan, are you okay? Maybe I surprised you, I mean, you did have a bad day at work today, maybe I should have saved it for later…"

Raising a hand to quickly wipe at the tears on her cheeks, Tomoyo raises a hand, and smiles at her, a smile mingled with happiness and bitterness and a little bit of…something else. What was it?

"No, Sakura-chan. It's perfectly fine. I'm…so happy for you."

Now that Tomoyo thinks about it, it was also the last time Sakura asked about her emotional well being.

-/-

She drops her head to her knees.

"Tomoyo-san, why would you care?"

She raises her head from the denim on her jeans and he can see her mouth pressed in a tight line. She opens and then closes it, doing a pretty good impression of a fish. She opens her mouth, lets out a breath and closes it again, tightening her lips. When she opens her mouth for the third time (as Eriol watched, slightly amused), she whispers, "I don't know." and Eriol feels slightly disheartened because (he values loyalty in himself, he really does) he thought she might say something (ridiculously) sentimental like, "I've missed you" or something equally silly. He smiles, and all is forgiven.

-/-

(_They were always into forgiving and forgetting, because there was no one else to forgive them and there was no one else to remember to forget them._)


End file.
